Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
