I hope mine doesn't look like that
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
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I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
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I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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