I will die if light touches me.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
