He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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