I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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