I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
