I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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