Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
