Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
