I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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