Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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