I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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