I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
