Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
So apparently I’m into choking now
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
