You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
