is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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