I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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