so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
