Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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