I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I need a beard to bite.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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