I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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