Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
