I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
