listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
a search helicopter?!
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
