My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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