I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
