Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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