Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
