I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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