I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
