why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
