Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
