Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
