I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
