God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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