I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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