Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
