I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
