Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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