Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
