On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
