I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
