ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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