He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
