i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Randomize
