just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
