I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
