she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
