is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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