Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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