Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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