I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
