You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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